Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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