just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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