I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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