I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
