So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
