you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
