I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
