First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
