I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
