Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just pee around me
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
