I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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