between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
