I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
