if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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