Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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