my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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