I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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