Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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