six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
