shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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