Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
