I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
