We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
well you can't waste a boner
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
