i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
