i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
