I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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