I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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