Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You ruined the universe
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
