So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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