i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
