She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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