my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
