I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
