Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
