Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
