She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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