i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Operation Purity has been aborted
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's shark week go big or go home
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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