Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
