I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
