I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
