She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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