Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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