I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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