I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
