i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
