I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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