so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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