I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
