the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
