You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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