remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
